But you are, and like it or not, you’re about to make your purchase. That’s when you remember—you came for gum! You NEED gum! But now there’s no time! You slowly make your way up to the register, crotchety lady eyes glaring at you from behind, and you do a quick scan of the front checkout counter. Your heart beat quickens. So many names, packages, flavors! You snatch up a pack with a name that sounds familiar and a commercial jingle that sometimes creeps into your head at night. You throw it on the counter, pay for it, and are on your way. Once outside, trying to breathe again, you’re happy to be out of there but annoyed at the rushed decision you were forced to make. Well, at least you got gum, you think as you open up the pack, carelessly rip off the wrapping, and proceed to do the taste test. Time stands still. Oh no. It’s dull, bland, and bleh. What could be worse?
And that’s where I come in to help, providing you in-depth reviews of brand names and gum flavors to help you enter a convenience store with confidence, ease, and reassurance that you know what you’re doing. In my critique, I measure how long the flavor lasts and how long until it becomes difficult to chew. I rate the flavor from a scale of 1-5 stars (5 being the highest), as well as the length of the flavor. And last, but not least, I make sure to add in some of my own comments.
Really, it’s all pretty self-explanatory. If you can read, I’m sure this will all make sense to you, and if you can’t…then your loss. (How are you even reading this now?)
Orbit
Orbit is a great gum. It’s a simple statement, but it’s true. Can’t think of which gum? It’s the brand with those commercials featuring the lady twins who say, in thick British accents: “Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit!” Yeah, those commercials. I must say, whenever I take out a piece of Orbit, I feel quite classy. Perhaps it’s the package that it comes in, or maybe I’m just a dork and feel classy when chewing Orbit. But whether you feel classy or not, dirty or clean, silly or intelligent while indulging in a piece, check out the following reviews of some flavors you might haven’t yet had the chance to sample for yourselves:
Orbit – Bubblemint
1:50 – began losing flavor
1:10 – began hardening
4 stars - flavor!
2.5 stars – long-lasting flavor
Comments: It tastes like “old school” bubble gum with a hint of gangstaness (a word?) to it. On the flipside, it makes you feel quite preppy and confident.
Orbit – Cinnamint
2:50 – began losing flavor
2:25 – began hardening
3.5 stars – flavor!
3 stars – long-lasting flavor
Comments: This one tastes like a chewy form of Cinnamon Altoids. It burned the very depths of my tongue at the beginning. The aftertaste and overall smell is quite strong, but, hey, if you like cinnamon, knock yourself out.
Orbit – Spearmint
3:25 – began losing flavor
2:10 – began hardening
3.5 stars – flavor!
4 stars – long-lasting flavor
Comments: This one boasts a FANTASTIC smell from outside the package and amazingness even before you chew it. It makes your tongue tingle. Staying true to its advertisement of “mintiness,” it leaves you with a refreshing, just-brushed feeling.
Orbit – Crystal Mint
6:02 – began losing flavor
2:18 – began hardening
3 stars – flavor!
5 stars – long-lasting flavor
Comments: Oh geez, this one smells quite strong outside the package, kind of like Altoids. I emphasize—very, very, very strong. It feels quite strange, like you’re inhaling it, and it tastes like you’re chewing toothpaste. In the future, if someone ever offers me a piece, I’ll probably smack it out of their hand and call them a fool. It does make your tongue tingle, but the vibe only lasts for a bit. You also start feeling a little bipolar because after all this, it does keep your breath smelling quite nice. It tastes slightly like Extra Winterfresh Gum (a topic for another time). If I may say so, it’s also quite good before kissing ;] And yet…it still kicks for an insane amount of time. WARNING: Take a breather before eating anything else for awhile. It tastes like crap when mixed with other flavors. Gross much? Yeah. Let’s not.
Orbit – Mint Mojito
2:15 – began losing flavor
2:50 – began hardening
3.5 stars – flavor!
2.5 stars – long-lasting flavor
Comments: With a name like Mint Mojito, it better be appealing. The gum has a very minty taste to it, along with a kick of sweetness.
Orbit – Maui Melon Mint
3:32 – began losing flavor
2:32 – began hardening
1.5 stars – flavor!
2 stars – long-lasting flavor
Comments: I am most definitely not a fan of this one….at all. Oh, it definitely tastes like melon, but trust me when I say that there is a flavor that should never have been made into a gum. At first, you think to yourself, “Hey, this isn’t half bad!” Sometime shortly after, you think of, randomly, summer days. And last, you think, quite suddenly, “What did I just put into my mouth?!”
Article originally posted on the VM Blog.
Soraya E. Navia, or “The Yayster” as people call her, is quite amazing. A freshman in high school, she finds the time for theatre, dance, piano, photography, writing, counting how many licks it takes to get the center of a lollipop, and managing a social life. Soraya has a weird obsession with gum, or as she likes to put it: The gum is simply addicted to her. She chews gum during every class in school and never gets caught. She carried a water bottle around before it was considered cool, and, on occasion, she tends to spontaneously combust. Soraya can’t imagine life before the invention of an iPod or digital camera. For being a fast talker, witty thinker, clumsy human, and smiley face, Soraya is pretty flipping awesome. Read her gum reviews, or send her an e-mail at soraya@vigilantmonkey.com [link to e-mail], and she’ll love you forever…or not. Her favorite color is green. In her spare time, Soraya can be found redecorating her room, bursting out into song, attempting to fly, and often achieving that goal.